Tuesday, January 10, 2017

cassiopeia

Everything you want to know about the constellation of Cassiopeia: what does it look like?  Where is it? What are the main stars? How far are they? What deep-sky objects can you see   Constellation of the Month: Cassiopeia http://www.constellationofthemonth.com:  
I couldn't focus.

I'd been home alone all afternoon, watching snow fall outside the big window, watching the clouds clear and the sky pinken as the sun set, listening to the same songs on the radio play over and over again. By the time 7pm rolled around, I felt like my brain was on repeat, too. I'd had my phone in my hand all day like it was glued to me, and every time I tried to put it down and picked up my journal, I'd find myself bent over the keypad again, neck curved down to punch in my PIN number.
I ran up and down all the stairs in the house four times, and couldn't shake the heat in my belly, the numbness in my head, the boiled-over feeling in my heart. I'd written a poem about telescopes, and I was sitting at the table watching car headlights flick by on the street next to the house, when I remembered the clear sunset and wondered if I'd be able to see the stars.
Without grabbing a coat, I pulled a shawl on top of my sweater and reached for the back door, feet in boots and a kind of desperation in my soul. I wanted to feel the cold against my skin, not hide from it -- I wanted to be pulled out of my warm, comfortable afternoon. I wanted to be awakened.

The snow on the deck crunched underneath my feet and I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the dark, the hair rising on my forearms. My breath clouded like smoke in front of my eyes, but when I looked up, I saw Cassiopeia. All my life, the only constellations I've ever been able to recognize were the twin dippers, but Cassiopeia had been on the astronomy midterm exam, and she was stuck in my head -- and then, she was right before my eyes, her lazy W stretched above the house. Seeing her sent a cold shock of energy through me, and even though I'd only intended to take a quick peek, maybe find the big dipper and then go back inside, suddenly, I wanted to walk. The deck stairs creaked as I climbed down, gulping back deep breaths of icy air until I could feel the chill in my lungs. I traced footprinted paths in the fresh snow behind the house, my eyes searching the sky. The wind whistled through my shawl and against my skin, and I imagined it going clean through me.

God, I have so much junk inside me these days, I found myself thinking. I make everything so complicated with worries and complications and what-ifs and guesses about my future. I imagined the wind cleaning me out, sweeping the cobwebs out of my head and stealing away all the things I'd been holding on to that didn't really matter at all. When I reached the end of the lawn, I turned around, walking back to the house in my own footprints and trying to only think about the things that were actually important as the wind howled around the corners of the house and the hairs on my neck raised to attention.

I almost missed it, stuck in my warm, numb little bubble inside the house, tied to my phone and penning poems about stars with my head down and the lights on. I almost missed Cassiopeia right above my head because I was too busy writing about telescopes and trying to focus with my smartphone two inches away from my pen. Tonight was a unique kind of gift - not the kind I'd been asking for, with all the answers tied up in a bow, but a reminder that there is so much beauty in the meantime. There is so much going on outside of my tiny little world; there are so many things bigger than even my most insurmountable problems. Tonight was a reminder that God likes to surprise me, and that he cares enough to wake me up even when I'm being particularly slow and dull. God's all about the little things... and tonight he gave me a sliver of sky, because he loves me too much to let me do this alone, and because he knows the keys to my future are safer in his hands than in my own.

Goodnight, Cassiopeia. It was nice to finally meet you.

just some thoughts from last Thursday night... what does the sky look like where you are? what is your beauty in the meantime?

xx,
Olivia

ps.
I put up a post at Burning Youth before Christmas and completely forgot to share with all of you! It's about rest - and still applicable! Check it out here and show the awesome Burning Youth authors some love!

14 comments:

  1. I loved this! You have such a clear, flowing style.

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    1. Alex, you are amazing! Thank you so much! I got all introspective after going for a walk last week, lol!

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  2. This is so beautiful. I really want to go outside and look at the stars now. <3

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    1. Grace, you totally have to!! The sky is ASTOUNDING, like I can't even deal. Not even a little bit.

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  3. From the plot of this story to the details written in it, everything goes together so well. An image gets painted in my head of everything you saw and experienced that night. This was so enjoyable to read. I really really loved it- I find it hard to find the words to tell you how much.

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    1. This comment feels like someone's handed me a wrapped present... thank you, Vanessa. Seriously, this means so much to me. <3

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  4. This was so lovely! Your words really struck a chord of familiarity in me, since just yesterday I had to step aside from my work and take a walk. It's amazing how getting out in nature can settle your mind. Where I live, I look forward to finding Orion when he appears in the winter months. And Cassiopeia, she's always a welcome sight, too.

    "I imagined the wind cleaning me out..." Those words are perfect, and since it's windy here, I'm about to go apply them.

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    1. Alicyn, I love that you look for the stars, too! Now I want to see if I can find Orion...

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  5. I love this! Very beautiful descriptions. I also know about those kinds of days. You just end up feeling completely trapped inside, and being outside, even if it is cold, can wake you up again. I've always loved the sky and the stars, but I've not really studied astronomy that much. I only can spot the big and little dipper.

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    1. Sagebrush, you nailed it!! It definitely was one of THOSE days... but the walk helped so much. Let me know if you stumble across Cassiopeia in your future travels!! I'd love to hear about it!

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  6. Poetry, girl, just poetry. I actually thought this was an excerpt of a novel at first! Love that you lived this.

    "God, I have so much junk inside me these days, I found myself thinking. I make everything so complicated with worries and complications and what-ifs and guesses about my future."

    I'm right there with you: about the crowded mind, the need for the little beauties of life, of being in awe of God's surprises. Hits me right where I'm at right now! I loved this. Great writing, great messages, great God. The stars are remarkable!

    P.S. I've never been able to see any constellations but the Dippers, too. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

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  7. This post reminded me of something I had forgotten.

    I have a lot of junk inside of me these days, too. It's important to step back and just be grateful to be alive in the beautiful world God created.

    Thank you, Olivia. Your posts are simply the best. <3 <3 <3

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Comments from you make my day! ♥ True story.