*some pictures by hannah
Lately I've been hibernating. Or trying to, anyway. I've been gritting my teeth and plodding through my weekdays, the hands on the clock tied to every step I take, time stretched so thin I can feel it in my bones. I've been shrinking away from the world around me, burying myself deep in warm sweaters, between the pages of books, hot tea and poetry, setting down roots in every story but my own, my mantra
just make it to the weekend.
Because at this time of year, the work weighs heavy on my shoulders, and the hours away from home feel like hours buried deep underground, oxygen deprived and exhausted. Basically, this homeschooled girl misses all things familiar.
And the important thing about this is that missing home isn't a bad thing. I've treated it like a curse, counting down the hours in class, nodding and smiling in all the right places, but my heart isn't in it. My heart hasn't really been anywhere, lately, because I've fallen into this habit of believing that the grass is always greener on the other side, that tomorrow looks so much fancier then today, that if I could just be at home I could accomplish so much more...
and realistically, nothing gets done and my heart ends up floating in limbo somewhere that isn't anywhere, and I feel like I'm straining for a goal that doesn't exist.
I've been reading about Ruth and Naomi lately, how Naomi cradled the bitterness inside her and tried to shut everything out, but Ruth left everything familiar and accepted a God she didn't even know...and she never looked back. Ruth throws herself into everything with so much energy and finality, and I want to feel like that again, too. Lately I've been more like Naomi, not bitter but just tired, enduring instead of enjoying, and I'm done. I'm ready to adopt an attitude more like Ruth's, to embrace the moment - every moment - and smile like I would if everyone at school was Brooke and Tiana.
I'm done counting down seconds under my breath. I'm done looking at people without really seeing them, and I hate that I've started to nod and smile at my classmates without even trying to understand what they're telling me. Something that I realized a few days ago is that my life, the future I keep waiting for, isn't just around the corner. It's right now, and every second that I tick by is a second of this beautiful life that I won't see again. I guess I thought I'd wake up one day in the middle of a perfect, grown-up life, that I'd just want to feel passionate about it every day, that God would place people in my life and I'd "be Jesus" to them...
but that's already happening. The life that I have is beautiful, just maybe not the way I pictured it, and I love where I am most of the time. There are tons of people in my life who are so lost, and I've been staring right by them without even realizing that this is where I am right now, and I'm not even paying attention. This is the life, it's my life, and I'm letting it slip by without a second glance.
And I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to go to school in time for 4th period today and I'm going to embrace two periods full of moments and math tests and beautiful, broken people. I'm not going to hibernate any more.