Thursday, January 22, 2015

failure.

I failed my driver's test eight months ago.

Well, there's one minor detail that's MAJORLY important, and you probably missed it. | The One Detail You Missed In "The Fault In Our Stars" While You Were Crying Your Eyes Out
(Augustus Waters, because OBVIOUSLY)


I can't even explain how I felt when the instructor shook her head, clucked her tongue, and handed me the pale yellow sheet. A lot of mistakes, hun. You need more practice. Numb, maybe? Disbelieving? Because yeah, I completely botched my parallel park, but I never expected to fail.

I don't fail that often. Usually I work hard, and it shows. But this time, I put everything into this, I bugged my parents into taking me out when they really didn't want to, I gritted my teeth and merged and did left turns even though I was scared out of my wits. And it still wasn't good enough.
I wasn't good enough.

I can't explain how I felt sitting in the driver's seat, the keys still swinging from the ignition, knowing that I was somewhere on top of the yellow parking line (certainly not within it,) but I can tell you how I felt after the instructor had left and I'd climbed over into the passenger seat, because I wasn't about to drive home after THAT.

I couldn't even talk. I tried to explain to Mom what had happened, and I just couldn't. The words kept getting snarled in my throat, tears choking me. I cried all the half-hour drive home, sucking back deep, gutwrenching sobs and wiping the tears away until I couldn't see the trees outside the window. And when we finally got home I stumbled blindly (literally, blindly) through the front door and down to my bedroom, where I collapsed on the bed and let the tears come for I don't know how long.

It was a while.

(It's funny, the only thing I could think of to say was "thank goodness my mascara is waterproof." And if there's a more underwhelming statement in the WHOLE wide world, I don't know what it is.)


Because this deep sense of shame had needled its way into my heart, this embarrassing sense of being examined and found wanting, and maybe I'm just lucky but I'd never felt that before. I've had insecure moments, but never in my life has someone actually shaken their head at me and said, you're not good enough. And that stung. I felt almost sick to my stomach looking back on it, because how on earth could I expect to pass the second time when I'd already given it 100%? (Spoiler alert: I passed my second test in September, yay hurray!)

All this came at a rough time for me. I'd been feeling...sensitive lately, these niggling suspicions that my self-esteem wasn't as healthy as I'd always assumed were rearing their heads a little too often, and I was starting to notice self-deprecating comments coming out of my mouth before I could pull them back. I've always prided myself on being a bit set apart, not caring so much what other people thought of me. Or at least, I've always wanted to be that way. And right in the middle of the confused muddle that was me trying to wriggle free of my growing feelings of insecurity, WHAM
you're not good enough.

I still can't decide if it was coincidentally bad timing or if God was trying to get my attention, but it sure made me look up. Because, hello, why?

Maybe I'll never know. Maybe it was just one of those things. But maybe, somewhere down the road, it'll come in handy. Maybe someday I'll be talking to someone, and I'll be able to say, hey. You know what? No worries. I've failed too, once upon a couple of times. Let me tell you this story. 

(because let's face it, it makes a pretty good story. tons of drama.)

But anyways. Here's my story of a day not-so-long ago, that I'm not-so-proud of. Actually, I'd still really like to forget it. But that's kind of not the point, I think.


Dear friend. 

I've failed, too. What's your story?

xx
Olivia

18 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that. One of my siblings failed three times, it can be hard. And a lot depends on which instructer you get. Some are really nit picky. I hope that helps. Don't let it beat you.

    Also, you are right and that is a wonderful attitude. Every hardship we endure may help us to comfort someone later on. And then in the end, it is all worth it!

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    1. Thanks, Sus. :) I'm okay with it now....but it took me a long time to get over! I love driving now, but it was so hard at first.

      Thanks for the encouragement. <3

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  2. Oh! Poor past-Olivia. :( That does *not* sound fun.

    I like what you said about how maybe you'll be able to use this story someday to help someone else out. Sometimes we never really know why God let's certain things happen...but there's always a reason, and it's ultimately for our good. That's really encouraging to me <3

    HAHA I'm always worrying about my mascara, too! Girl probs.

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    1. Haha it was not one of my finer moments. :p *pats past-self*

      I'm so glad you found that encouraging! It's something that sort of occurred to me a little while ago, I find it really reassuring to think about whenever I'm having a rough time.

      #thestruggle

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  3. Yikes, that stinks! I'm sorry, girl. Failing your driver's test doesn't sound a bit fun. I'm like you too, one of my big fears is failing. I always want to be the best at what I do, and when I'm not, it sort of messes me up.
    But, in all likely hood, I'm going to fail my driving test too... Yay for (almost) shared experience! :)

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    1. Hannah, it messes me up too. Obviously, haha!! But seriously, fear of failure is right up there with the big fear of what people think of me ~ tbh I think they kinda go hand in hand. I mean, I wouldn't be as afraid of failing if I wasn't so worried about what people would think of my failure...

      I hope you pass the first time!! But if you don't, come talk to me and we can cry together. I'll send you virtual chocolate.

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  4. Aww, that must have been hard. It hurts so bad when someone tells you you aren't good enough. I've had a few times like that, but I love how you pointed out that these painful 'failures' aren't supposed to be forgotten, but learned from, and you're right. And if this makes you feel any better, I'll probably fail my driving test as well. My mom's been teaching me to drive a little already, and I can't seem to stop without the car jolting or turn a corner without Mom gripping the dashboard and shouting "slow down!" It's a little embarrassing... Let's just hope that my future children won't be doing the same thing!

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    1. It was pretty hard at the time, but it's been really useful to me since. Like, a few months later one of the girls in my class failed her test and was really discouraged and I was just like, "hey, me too." Which was pretty cool, actually. :)

      And as for future children learning to drive...I'm scared enough for my younger sister to get behind the wheel!! :o haha.

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    2. And obviously, the offer for life chats and free virtual chocolate that I made Hannah goes for you, too. ;) We can have a blog pity party and kick out all the successful people.

      (just kidding, that's mean. successful people welcome, too.)

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  5. I'm sorry, Olivia. That sounds rough. I'm glad you passed in September though. Um, failure for me? I don't know exactly. I don't think I've ever had someone tell me directly that I wasn't good enough but it's something that I put on myself and struggle with inside my head. I'm working on gaining 50 hours with my learner's permit right now and I haven't had any terribly bad times with that.

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    1. Failure for me is something that hits me harder outwardly than inwardly...I get what you mean about failing your own expectations for yourself, but for me that only becomes an issue if someone tells me I'm not good enough - then I start hearing that inwardly, too. if that makes sense. It sucks, either way.

      Good luck with your test!! You'll do fantastic. :)

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  6. Olivia, seriously...someday I'm gonna see your name on a best-seller list and a) freak out because "I KNOW HER!" and b) nod and be all totally not surprised. Because you are a writer of epic. proportions. This story was so full of meaning for me, because I can so relate. I've always been that type too-- wanting to be set apart in that you don't think about what others opinions of you are, and I get so down on myself when I get caught up in dwelling on that. But knowing that you're not alone is so important. This was beautiful <3

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    1. Katie, seriously...when I read your comment I just smiled at my phone like an idiot because this made my heart so happy. WHY ARE YOU SO NICE. stop. I mean no, don't stop, but really. <3 Thank you so much.

      Also, I definitely did not realize how many people think like me/struggle with this. It's...reassuring (?) to know that I'm not crazy. :p

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    2. *hugs* well, WHY ARE YOU SO AMAZE, GIRL? seriously. But yeah I totally get you there, it is reassuring to know that you're not alone. And you're not alone, I'm right there with ya.

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  7. This post went right to my heart. I haven't taken my test yet, (I put off learning to drive entirely too long) and I've been scared out of my wits because this voice keeps whispering, "you're going to fail. you're going to fail." But you know, after awhile, I think I've realized it's ok. And no one is alone. I fall too easily into the trap of believing that my accomplishments, or failures, define me.

    Loved this so much
    -Jana

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Jana! I put off my test for the same reason - your voice sounds exactly like mine, yuck. :( I'm so glad that you don't feel alone anymore, and absolutely no your failures do not define you. Amen to that. :)

      Best of luck on your test!!

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  8. Yay for passing on your second time and don't worry it took me a whole 4 times to pass and it sucked everytime I failed aha!

    The Velvet Black // UK Style, Beauty Blog

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    1. Thanks, Alice! :) Girl, the struggle is real. Who needs those tests, amirite? ;)

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Comments from you make my day! ♥ True story.